Television at its Worst
by Andy Pishko
Reality television is appalling. A quick check of the internet reveals a disturbing mountain of past, present and future programs. Sign up with the FX network to be the ‘American Candidate.' Vote Arabs off the globe on ‘Profiles From the Front Lines.' Fool yourself into thinking that the person you are on a date with has appealing traits based solely on the fact that they look like someone else on ‘Celebrity Look Alike Dating.'
While
plenty can be said about the people who are enthralled by this programming,
I often ask myself what exactly is the mindset of people who volunteer to completely
humiliate themselves for a national audience? What is so appealing about seeing
yourself on a screen that makes people agree to participate on these types of
shows? What can be said of a culture that tunes in weekly to watch this debauchery
unfold? Society apparently is full of camera loving individuals who will stoop
as low as it takes to see themselves on the screens of America's living rooms,
to live out their one hour of glory, only to be outdone next week, in an all
new episode of ‘When Cops Attack American Idols Cheating on Blind Dates Vs.
Beasts.'
Whenever I see one of these shows being advertised, I have to ask myself are
contestants drawn to these shows by greed or stupidity? Do these people sit
at home and think to themselves, ‘Thank god there's finally a TV show for people
like me who totally don't give a fuck about eating 7 pounds of horse colon while
submerged in a tank full of piranhas'' Are there really athletes who train day
in and day out to finally be able to beat a giraffe in a foot race? How can
it be that society is so empty that people are
willing to do whatever it takes to be noticed, if only for one hour of one day?
Every individual that graces your screen, whether it's someone striving to be
the next Leif Garrett on ‘American Idol' or a toothless drunk on ‘Cops,' must
have some form of mental deficiency. For example ‘American Idol' contestants
are often seen making noises reminiscent of Helen Keller's version of ‘Ain't
No Mountain High Enough.' What could possibly convince a person who obviously
has no singing ability to go enter the national spotlight and undoubtedly be
humiliated? Yet here they come, one after another, making
complete asses of themselves. Even if their sole intention is to see themselves
on the small screen, there can be no gratification in being laughed at by millions
of people. I'm calling for overdubs on all future episodes of ‘American Idol'
so that whenever one of these fuckers tries to sing, all you hear is David Hasselhoff
belting out ‘R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A.' I might enjoy that.
One reason this topic needs evaluation is as follows: people that you see on
some of these shows AGREE to be put on the air without originally having any
desire to be a part of it. The most glaring example of this is Cops. While this
show has been on the air for over a decade, something has never made sense.
Why would you sign a waiver agreeing to have your arrest used as a tool for
the Fox Network to sell advertising time? An epiphany is near, but first let
me present to you the most offensive form of reality television I have ever
witnessed...I give to you ‘Cheaters.'
If you've never seen this guttural view of relationships, let me offer you a
brief synopsis. A partner in a relationship believes their significant other
to be cheating. They plead their case to Cheaters, a reality show that promises
to ‘allow the wayward to place themselves in the spotlight.'
The Cheaters crew follows a suspect for approximately two weeks, documenting
their questionable activities via hidden camera. I should note, however, that
these aren't just any hidden cameras. After the first day or so of non incriminating
evidence, the Cheaters producers get the victim to agree to placing cameras
in his or her bedroom. These cameras are installed with the sole purpose of
documenting the syndicated reality porn that inevitably takes place. Cheaters
takes a no holds barred approach and graciously depicts
the raunchiest of activities, including busting in on couples mid coitus.
Pornography aside, what truly astounds me about this program is the fact that
these people willingly agree to be broadcast. If I were to have a camera crew
break into the motel room I was cautiously taking care of business in, the last
thing I would ever agree to is a permanent record of my indescretions.
How could you ever expect to win your mate back when all they'd have to do is
review the tape?
I'd like to make mention of another facet of reality television, an Argentinian
program called ‘Human Resources.' The premise of the show is that unemployed
people compete for a new job, the winner to be decided by the audience.
According to www.alternet.org, an alternative news source, ‘...viewers pick
a winner based on whose story is the most moving. (Good looks don't hurt either.)'
With their economy in shambles, Argentineans are now engaged in a much higher
stakes game of survival. In this case, losing the game means more than just
being publicly humiliated, it means you are still unemployed.
I am almost more insulted by the popularity of a show like ‘Human Resources,'
where self-righteous individuals get to play merciful humanitarian and award
jobs to those they deem most worthy. With America's economy in the toilet, I'm
sure it won't be long before ‘Human Resources' hits our screens, but there will
be no awarding of jobs without the qualifying round of ‘Who can drink the most
animal bile'?
Reality TV is mass media's low-functioning retard. The more it is coddled and
made to feel special, the longer it will survive. The only solution is neglect,
with the hopes that it will eventually choke on its own rumination and cease
to exist.